Too Many Santas

Just when you thought all is finally well at the North Pole and Santa is as charged up as ever for his Big Night, a new and somewhat unusual problem has developed. There are too many Santas. WHAT? Don’t get me wrong, we all know there is truly only one “Big Guy.” However, since he can’t be everywhere leading up to the Big Day taking requests and making kids of all ages happy, he has designated stand-ins who have gone through a vigorous training program. There’s the problem…with all the malls closing down and other usual locations cutting back, the supply has far exceeded the demand. Sad, right? This has led to long lines of red suited, white bearded gents at the unemployment line. Even worse, some “rogue” Santas have gone out on their own, making promises that Santa may be hard pressed to keep. Santa knows these rogues must be stopped or else he could have lots of disappointed children on his hands. So instead of Ho, Ho, Ho…Santa was saying Whoa, Whoa, Whoa – not so fast! Santa is all for free enterprise, but some things are more important. To compound things, some “rogues” didn’t even look the part according to Santa. He said some had wrinkled suits and beards that looked more like they were foaming at the mouth (he exaggerates greatly.)

What to do? It is a real dilemma. To help, Santa has gathered a think tank of the greatest minds north of the Arctic Circle. The results so far have been mixed. Rudolph has several bright ideas, and the elves rep. has added a little more. Unfortunately, Frosty was of little help. He said, “I’ll see you Christmas Day!” and drifted off to sleep. Most of the suggestions were for future years, with not much for the current season’s rogues. You couldn’t have a cease and desist and have them hauled away in cuffs in front of the kids. Most agreed that the rogues have good intentions with only a rare bad Santa to be controlled. Perhaps a visit to the good rogues to make sure they know not to approve things that Santa can’t deliver, like a pony or a Lamborghini.

As for the future, the recommendations include things like repurposing the Santas to other jobs like Easter Bunnies (questionable at best) or maybe a character at one of those Halloween fright sites. This would probably have to include training in the proper way to safely handle an axe or a chainsaw. For work in the United States, Uncle Sam or Abe Lincoln. A dress code using Santa’s own “After Midnight” collection should be required – there’s only one color available and the styles are limited. Padding is available if needed, although Santa himself doesn’t have a need. A yearly recertification would help.

Someone said. “What about all the Santa helpers without a place to go?” – Santa said, “We are so concerned about the Big Guys that we almost forgot about all the Little People that make the season what it is.”

There is so much to think about and discuss but with the season fast approaching, the decision was made to end it now and come back after the holidays to continue the discussion. With that, Santa thanked everybody and wished them all a very merry and happy Christmas.

As for Frosty, he was left in his own winter wonderland.

written by – Dan Sivco